Internal Struggles Of An Awkward Soul

If I was asked to sum myself up in one word it would be: awkward. The way I walk, dance, talk… let’s just say, if I’m moving- it probably looks awkward. As I’ve been mentioning a lot on here recently, this year I want to put a lot more effort into self improvement and a big part of this is looking at yourself as an outsider and evaluating yourself and your actions. Sounds kinda trippy and a bit like a story line from an episode of Black Mirror but it does teach you a lot about yourself.
In doing so, I have tried to embrace this side of myself which, whether I like it or not, is a big part of my personality. Instead of trying to change it I’m dealing with it in the same way that I deal with any other uncomfortable feelings or revelations: laugh at it and make jokes until I’m okay with it. So, I’ve compiled a short list of internal struggles I go through as an awkward soul. Laugh along with me… Please…
Writing my own conversations in my head before they occur. I love conversations, I live for them but I’m just not very good at them. I could be sat on a bus with the seat next to me empty, riding in a lift or waiting in the queue in Primark, if someone looks as if they are going to speak to me (or just be standing in a close proximity to me- that’ll do it too) you can guarantee that within 0.5 seconds I’ve come up with answers to every question they could possibly ask me. I know the time in case they ask me that. Wording everything so articulately in an attempt to trick them into thinking I’m a confident extrovert with the public speaking ability of Michelle Obama. Until… “Hi! Can I help you?” erm.. no, please, thank you. bye. *drops items on the floor* *runs away* Damn it.
 
Sometimes I forget how to walk. Are you ever just walking down the street and you see someone walking and all of a sudden your brain is like: do I walk like that? am I walking weird? why am I leaning forward? Posture! Before you know it you’re analysing every step you make and managed to convince yourself that you’re going to fall. Shh brain!
Even just being silence can make me cringe. So I don’t want you to talk to me but I don’t want you to be silent either… Silences are often filled with a failed attempt at me trying to make conversation which often consists of a mere observation related to something that you’re wearing.
 
Laughing is my go-to. I know people sometimes say that they have an awkward laugh and I feel lucky enough to be able to say that I think my laugh is pretty standard. I do, however, have a tendency to laugh at everything. It doesn’t matter if I actually found it funny or whether it was even intended to be humorous- just laugh. Couldn’t hear what they said? That’s okay- just laugh.
 Being early to.. well, anything. I feel like anyone who relates to the word ‘awkward’ should get where I’m coming from with this one. Being early to things is the worst thing, whether it be the first to arrive for a social gathering or waiting to meet someone off the train. Not to mention that cheeky and anxiety provoking text reading “I see you ;)” Ok. Don’t look around. Just act casual.
 
Apologising for everything. This is probably due to a mix of my awkward tendencies and my fear of conflict but I find myself apologising for everything even if the fault lies with the other person. I’ve had someone bump into me before from being so engrossed in their phone and I’ve apologised profusely for it… like, what? sorry. sorry. sorry!
 

But hey, you’ve got to laugh at yourself every once in a while. Do you relate to any of these?

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Anticallacy is a self improvement blog, focusing on Self Love and ethical living, with some poetry and musings thrown in for good measure. I hope you’re inspired today by some of my words.

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